A relationship I can't sink my teeth into ...
Jamie Walden, Staff Columnist
Published On: 11/24/2008
Vampires have made a comeback — and not just in the sense that they are roaming around despite being dead.
The “Twilight” franchise has become insanely popular among people of all ages and HBO’s “True Blood” has a massive following with the more mature audiences. Both the film and HBO series are based on books, the “Twilight” series by Stephenie Meyer and “The Southern Vampire Mysteries” by Charlaine Harris, respectively.
“Twilight” opened Friday to crowds who bought tickets in advance and waited in the colder-than-usual weather, thereby proving extreme devotion to a story about a girl, Bella Swan, and her love for one very undead teenager named Edward Cullen. Meanwhile, in the comfort of their living rooms viewers are able to tune in on Sunday nights to watch Sookie Stackhouse, a Louisiana waitress, adore and lust after Civil War veteran-turned-vampire, Bill Compton.
These vampire hits are hugely successful, and have near-obsessive fan bases. I’m fascinated at the presence of stickers and shirts reading, “I love Edward Cullen!” and “I Want to Get Bit.” This begs the question, what do people see in vampires? What is the appeal of the undead as romantic interests?
I’ll be the first to admit that the actors portraying Edward Cullen and Bill Compton are pretty hot, but the thought of vampires as boyfriends is beyond me. So what if they never age? Their timeless attractiveness would only end up making you feel insecure about having picked up wrinkles and gray hair during the human aging process. And anyway, what girl really wants her guy to be better looking than she is?
In pursuing a relationship with a vampire, you can forget about going on any picnic dates, what with the whole dying-in-the-daylight factor? No strolls in the park on a gorgeous afternoon, and definitely no waking up to a pancake breakfast in bed.
On the subject of food, dating a vampire also means giving up garlic. Don’t plan on enjoying any dinner dates at Olive Garden or Macaroni Grill. I think Taco Bell and Wendy’s are the safest bets, and luckily they are both open late.
In fact, the “Twilight” vamps don’t eat at all, though they do feed on animals — their blood, that is. So, if you’re a big-time animal lover, or a card-carrying member of PETA, they’re probably not the best dating material.
Apparently, vampires don’t do well with silver, either, according to Bill on “True Blood.” It burns them. So, for all you silver-loving girls, jewelry made out of it will be out of the question when spending time with your undead love.
Obviously, you won’t be receiving any silver necklaces, bracelets, or rings as tokens of a vampire guy’s love, as they can’t so much as touch the stuff.
Oh, and a visit to the church on Sunday mornings for all you Christians is probably not in the cards, given the vampires’ deathly allergic reaction to crucifixes.
I understand that some people are into rough stuff when it comes to hooking up, but with vampires that concept is taken to an entirely new level. Biting — not nibbling — is almost a sure thing. Those fangs are extremely sharp, and I’m pretty sure they sink in deeper than would be considered pleasant.
In my opinion, Edward Cullen and Bill Compton, as handsome and charming as they may be, are not suitable for romantic relationships with the living. Eventually that excitement of being with a 200-year-old smoking-hot undead dude will wear off and you’ll be left with nothing but a bunch of nighttime trysts and bites much worse than any mosquito’s.
Not to mention he’ll probably leave you for a hot vamp chick who doesn’t age once you get old and grey, if not before! Me, I think I’ll pass, thank you very much, and take my chances with the living.
Email: ponygirl_66@hotmail.com
