Recommendations for surviving the crisis

Michael Boody, Columnist
Published On: 10/26/2009

Apparently, we are living in the worst economic climate since the Great Depression. This is becoming a cliché, I know. But when a terrifying fact is said often enough to become a cliché, that means it’s probably true.

Darn it.

For us college students, this means trouble. We’re going to have a hard time paying off student loans, establishing credit, buying a house, and — the mother of all fresh-out-of-cap-and-gown pursuits — finding a job.

Despite recent improvements on Wall Street, unemployment continues to rise. About 9.5 percent of Americans are currently out of work, a figure that might make students wonder how smooth the transition will be from the classroom to the boardroom.

In such grim times, I am taking matters into my own hands; I refuse to be benched before I’ve even had a chance to play. Listed below are a few options that might secure the future welfare of the college student in a down economy. I suggest we all consider them.

Number 1: Join a gang. When times are hard and businesses are looking for any way to cut back on costs — even if it means layoffs and a hiring freeze — it would be wise of the recent college grad to look for any organization that can flourish in a depression. Since crime has historically gone up whenever the economy has gone down, joining a gang seems like a pretty viable option.

What gang wouldn’t take a new member with a college degree? Sure, it’s a lawless pursuit, but in the era of mass corporate fraud, when executives are landing behind the same walls as gangsters, I ask: what’s the difference?
In addition to this, even if you do end up in prison, is that really such a bad thing? You get free meals and exercise, not to mention free lodging, which could definitely help you out in a poor housing market. If you still think stir isn’t the life for you, just ask two New Hampshire inmates, who recently petitioned the superintendent at the Rockingham County House of Corrections with a request to stay “just through the winter.”

Number 2: Open a business. Sure, in any economic depression, this might seem bad advice, but I think I’ve figured out a solution. I’ve noticed that many merchants who can’t float the bills usually move their stock pretty well after posting that dreaded “Going out of Business” sign. Therefore, it might seem profitable to just open a store called “Going out of Business”.

You’ll be surprised how fast your shelves clear as patrons think they might not be able to shop at your store tomorrow. I remember my roommate strapping 12-can-packs of Diet Code Red to his roof after he learned that a floundering Bruno’s was giving them away for two bucks. Sure, you don’t actually intend to close the store, so it all borders on false advertising, but just operate under the philosophy that all businesses eventually go out of business, and that eventually, so will yours. Hopefully, though, you’ll clear tons of profits first, and your store will close because you just can’t keep products on the shelves, and not because you can’t pay the rent.

Number 3: Stay in school. This handy piece of advice might seem a relic of the public service announcement, but I’d like to fashion a different spin on it: simply staying in school means you don’t have to look for a job.

When you’re in school, you’re pretty much exempt from the expectations of finding a career. College is that great layover between the stuck-at-home, parental-dependence of high school and the Social Darwinism of the working world. The poor, starving college student is the Big Kahuna of all clichés, so I say take advantage of it. Everyone expects a college student to spend every waking hour preparing for the real world that lies after graduation; no one expects you to hold down financial stability.

If you still don’t believe me, then try imagining that first Christmas after graduation, when suddenly everyone expects nice gifts from you because you’ve just been through four years of college and should have a nice shiny paycheck from your new job to show for it. What a nightmare! Sure, it has a downside: you’ll continue to suffocate under a mountain of student loans and you’ll be forced to suffer through the obnoxious “So, what’s your major?” conversation at family reunions, but it’s a very small price to pay for staying the heck out of economic depression.
 

Email: diner822@yahoo.com