Love match or dating disaster? Learn the signs of a healthy relationship

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The idea of connecting with a potential love match can be dizzying and sweet. Who doesn’t like romance, excitement, and the thrill of feeling desired and appreciated?

But now for a bit of a reality check, dear hearts: the pursuit of those romantic rewards naturally comes with some amount of interpersonal risk, ranging from simply having an off night to feeling unsafe in profound ways. Don’t despair, and don’t give up—there are ways to protect yourself while figuring out if your match is meant to be.

Mica Harrell, M.A., director of Wellness Promotion in the division of Student Affairs, recommends that anyone who’s in the dating pool, whether student or employee, first familiarize themselves with what a healthy relationship looks like.

Strong relationships bring out the best in people and make them feel good about themselves and their partner. “In healthy relationships, there should be this individuality and respect for who the other person is at their core,” Harrell says. “Healthy relationships are based on mutual trust, respect, independence, kindness, healthy conflict, and fun. These characteristics should be prominent throughout the relationship and remain consistent. It takes time and experiencing different situations to discover how many of these characteristics remain present over time.”

Harrell recommends that you identify characteristics that are important in a partner and boundaries that you want respected and then embrace the vulnerability that comes with sharing an appropriate amount of your true self over time.

“Healthy relationships are based on mutual trust, respect, independence, kindness, healthy conflict, and fun."

But falling fast can be part of the thrill, right? Unfortunately, rapid and intense emotional connections can sometimes be red flags for bad behavior. 

“In intimate relationships, there is a spectrum that ranges from healthy to abusive—and there’s a whole gray area of unhealthy,” said Harrell. “The gray areas are the places where people are most likely to minimize or make excuses for bad behavior, but those behaviors need to be taken seriously. The majority of dating violence is emotional/psychological, which is more hidden, less defined, than physical or sexual violence. But the pressing concern is that abuse is very common,” she said.

Confused? Or maybe concerned? UAB has resources that can help. “We have three categories of assistance,” Harrell said. “We have planning resources, relationship questioning resources, and resources for when you find yourself in a mess.”

Students can contact Student Affairs Wellness Promotion or Student Counseling Services. Employees can contact the Employee Assistance and Counseling Center or the Domestic Violence Awareness program.   

“In the first few weeks of a relationship, you’re both just showing your best self. It’s the honeymoon phase,” said Harrell. “Once you get past that—this is who this person really is. You’re making a decision whether to stay in the relationship, and that decision window actually continues for quite a long time.”


First-date jitters? Plan ahead, take it slow, and put the phone away

Mica Harrell, M.A., director of Wellness Promotion in the division of Student Affairs, recommends a few tips to keep in mind before meeting up with a potential love match.

Before the date

  • Be clear with your reasons and goals for the date. Are you and your partner aligned? Do your motivations match?
  • Anticipate what you’re planning to talk about. What do you want to know about the other person? What personal information are you willing to share?
  • Anticipate what you’re planning to do. What boundaries are you planning to put in place? What will you say if the other person attempts to cross them? Practice voicing your responses.
  • Plan for your own transportation. Let friends or family members know where you’re going. Prepare an excuse to leave early, just in case.

During the date

  • Put your phone away and be open to connecting with the other person.
  • Limit substances that can cloud your judgement.
  • Don’t sacrifice personal boundaries out of politeness. You can be firm and set a boundary respectfully.
  • Stay in public places.
  • Prioritize your own safety. End the date early if you become concerned. This can range from feeling that you’re just not having fun anymore to you’re not feeling comfortable. Trust your gut.