December 15, 2009
Josh Klapow. Download image.
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. - The holidays can be a joyous, less anxious time of year for stepfamilies if parents and relatives adopt a flexible, open mindset says Josh Klapow, Ph.D., a wellness expert and associate professor in the University of Alabama at Birmingham (UAB) School of Public Health.
Stepfamilies that close themselves off emotionally and hold rigidly to past traditions often increase their anxiety, says Klapow, a psychologist who works with the South Central Center for Public Health Preparedness and is the author of Living Smart: 5 Essential Skills to Change Your Health Habits Forever.
Klapow says stepfamilies, also known as blended families, are able to work out their differences and reduce their emotional discomfort if they are patient and open to change during the holiday season. Data show that approximately one-third of all children become part of a blended family before they reach age 18.
"The reality is once your family undergoes a divorce and a re-marriage, what used to be is gone and you need to focus on what is new and special," Klapow says. "A blended family is often a blessing; let the holidays be a good reminder of what you have now."
Simple strategies can help reduce the discomfort and stress of navigating a blended-family holiday and help children develop positive memories, he says. Putting a little more time into planning the season's events and gatherings will reduce the number of unwanted surprises and frustrations.
Klapow's tips for a loving blended-family holiday:
• Be realistic and objective. "Know going into the holidays that it will not always go smoothly; be reminded that family and children are worth the effort," Klapow says. "Seasonal family gatherings are situations where people most often feel anxious or stressed, and a blended-family event is no exception."
• Be flexible. "Look at the winter calendar and remind yourself you can't fit three holidays on a single 24-hour period, for example. Celebrate by opening gifts on a different date than last year, or plan on eating a holiday meal after an arts- or faith-based event where stepchildren feel welcome," Klapow says.
• Don't manipulate. "Follow the rules of the custody agreement with your ex-spouse, and make it your personal goal to stick with the plan," Klapow says. "You may not get to be with your child on your favorite holiday. Do not try to manipulate the situation and cause heartache and guilt for yourself and others."
• Be open. "Allow your children to share feelings and remind them they're welcome to do so. This can be a confusing time for kids; letting them express frustration and anxiety will benefit them and possibly give you new ideas on making holidays a fun, joyful time," Klapow says.
Klapow emphasizes the need for mutual respect and openness between all members of a blended family, including their extended circle of friends and neighbors, to foster a healthy and joyous blended-family holiday.
About the UAB School of Public Health
The School of Public Health is a community of scholars and professionals working and teaching in varied arenas of public health with the goal of fostering research and best practices crucial to the health of our nation and its peoples. The school offers more than 20 areas of study and manages dozens of research and community-service centers.